Saddleback-Haters to Hold Conference

“You’re right, Rick,” say

conference organizers:

“We just don’t like you.”

by Sergius Martin-George

 

The Ad Hominem Center, Buffalo's brand new
convention facility, will host Saddlebash I.



 Things are tough for Rick Warren.  These days, America’s pastor can’t seem to catch a break.  For years, a standing army of detractors has been on high alert, waiting to pounce on one doctrinal misstep after another, ultimately prompting the Southern California mega-pastor to quip about “Saddleback-haters,” a term he’s used several times in responding to the recent Kingsway controversy. 

Now a group has come forward to confirm that Warren is being neither hyperbolic nor paranoid in his reference to “Saddleback haters”:  They’re here. They’re angry.  And next month, they’re meeting in Buffalo.  However, unlike some groups who oppose Warren purely out of doctrinal concern, the PASS organization—Pastors Against Saddleback Shenanigans—freely admits that its primary motivation is jealousy and personal animus toward America’s pastor.

 

When you “spring ahead” tonight (in the United States—March 25 in the U.K.; April 1 in ANZ), will you be compromising your Christian faith?

Think carefully before answering. 

Many Christian believers bristle at the thought of changing their clocks twice a year, even if they can’t quite articulate why.  Perhaps it’s written on our hearts: If the God of the Universe created time, who are we to fiddle with it—if only semi-annually?  There’s just something....“unright” about the whole thing.

While some historically-minded readers will have immediately thought they have identified the culprit in the form of that saucy Enlightenment deist, Ben Franklin, the roots of the ungodly desire to manipulate time long predate our Philly-based founding father, who advocated as early as 1784 for a form of Daylight Savings Time.

First Easter, now this? Ancient pagan deity
Inana, a.k.a. Ishtar.  Most publicly-available
images of this figure cannot be shown on a
Christian-oriented web site

“If Adam and Eve had clocks in the Garden of Eden, they would have been scrambling to set them back within minutes of eating the forbidden fruit,” says Kent Hovind, a 59-year-old young-Earth creationist, King James–only activist, and entrepreneur-gone-wild, who has had a lot of time to think about time as he is currently doing time in a federal prison in Colorado for tax evasion. “It’s just unnatural, and it speaks to the depravity of man: the urge to change one’s clocks is essentially an idolatrous one.”

Though clocks were not to be found in Eden, it wasn’t long out of the box that conniving potentates were eyeing sun dials and other primitive time-keeping devices with nefarious purposes in mind.  In the Ancient Near East, King Nabunasir of Mesopotamia gained fame and power for solving a vexing problem: the sliding of the calendar due to inconsistencies between the solar year and the lunar calendar then in use.  Nabunasir’s brain child was the addition of seven “intercalary” months within every cycle of 19 years, thus rectifying the problem. 

Rick Warren Reaches Out to Extraterrestrials

“We all worship the same God,” says Purpose-Driven Pastor

by Pat Shanks

In what many are claiming is a transparent effort to deflect attention from a recent controversy over his cozying-up to the Muslim community, Purpose-Driven Pastor Rick Warren has come forward to announce that his ministry horizons are far wider than anyone could have ever imagined.

     “Psalm 8 says that the Earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof,” said Warren in a video message addressed to supporters. “I am here to proclaim to you today that the fullness spoken of in the Psalter is about to take on unprecedented meaning.”

     Unveiling an ambitious program to extend the hand of fellowship well beyond the Van Allen radiation belts, “America’s pastor” has revealed that he has been in contact with extraterrestrial intelligence in an effort to spread the Gospel. 

     “I think the big lesson here is: it’s not all about your galaxy,” said Warren.  Accordingly, the mega-pastor’s well-known Global Peace Plan, or “Peace Plan 3.0,”  

    

    The second annual Justice Conference took place last weekend in Portland, Oregon, sponsored by World Relief and Kilns College. Speakers included Walter Brueggemann, Shane Claiborne, Miroslav Volf, John Perkins, Rachel Lloyd, and Francis Chan. More than four thousand individuals attended the conference, including blogger and activist Maven Crisp. She recently spoke with ST associate editor Kitty Carlisle-Sánchez via Skype™. 

Kitty Carlisle-Sánchez: Maven, you were live-blogging this event for your own web site, TheCrispyMaven.net, and one of our readers tipped us off that you would be a good person to speak to about the conference, since we didn’t have sufficient funds to send one of our staff there.  Thanks for joining us today via Skype.

Maven Crisp: So, I’m delighted I could help out.  This is my contribution to social justice for the day (chuckle).        

Kitty Carlisle-Sánchez: As we are indeed delighted to have you. Well give us your overall impressions of the conference.

Maven Crisp: So, it was amazing.  All the speakers were excellent, both in the plenary sessions and in the break-outs.

Kitty: Break-outs, huh?  Well given the apparent left-leaning orientation of the conference, were there any Brechtian break-outs?

Maven: Excuse me?         

KCS: Like people breaking out into song? Spontaneously?

MC: Oh, totally.  Even some of the mimes.  They couldn’t resist.  The Spirit was really moving, I’ll tell you.   

KCS: They had mimes?

MC: Oh, mimes are very important in social justice circles.     

KCS: A lot of evangelical Christians—particularly the more conservative, traditional ones—don’t seem to get this concept of social justice.  Can you help us out, here?  What is social justice anyway?  



Theologian Walter Brueggemann (left) speaks passionately about
the injustice of having one's name constantly mispronounced.

MC: So, justice is a garment, a billion threads, interwoven, interlocked, knit together with strength and integrity. Pull one thread from the fabric and the garment begins to fray….

KCS: Wait, … “Pull ten million threads and justice unravels into injustice?“  Is that it?

MC: Exactly!  So you do get it, Kitty!  How did you know?       

KCS: Because I’m reading from the same pre-packaged conference material you seem to be reading from.  It’s right off the web site.

MC: Oh.  

KCS: Can we just, you know, put aside the talking points for

LEAP DAY PREDICTIONS

It comes only once every four years.  For that reason—and because we weren’t yet online last New Year’s Eve—our crack staff has compiled the following list of predictions we feel will be vindicated by February 29, 2016.

 1  Purpose-Driven pastor Rick Warren will revert to doctrinal orthodoxy.

Following the failure of Warren’s new chat show, The Surah-Hundred Club, a joint venture between TBN and Al Jazeera, Warren hits rock bottom.  He humbly repents, steps down from public ministry for two years, puts himself under the discipleship of a team of godly men (dubbed “The Warren Commission” by cynics), and issues a thoroughly orthodox statement of faith and an accompanying philosophy of ministry.

Of course, we don’t really expect this to happen.  However, Mr. Warren has left no room for any useful satirical speculation.  He’s gone so far off the chart, one can only hope that, by some bizarre theological physics, he will circle back from the other direction and land back on the chart. Lord help us.  Lord help Rick Warren.  

 2   Pastor James MacDonald will announce that the Elephant Room 3 conference, scheduled for February, 2013, will be replaced by a new conference series, Albatross 1. The focus of A1 will be the casting off of the inconvenient truths of biblical Christianity.



Hey Haters.  It's time for breakfast.

   3   Digital photographic images of Elevation Church pastor and evangelical wunderkind Steven Furtick will be found to have healing prop- erties; as a second-wave to this phenomenon, people—mostly women, since they are easier to deceive—will begin to discover Furtick’s image baked into French toast and other savory items.  Expect another hagiopic from Elevation's film ministry. 

 4   Zondervan will introduce the Harry Potter Study Bible.  Come on, you knew this had to be coming.  And you thought TNIV-2010 was something?

 5    5 Pastor Ed Young, Jr., will have a promotion that does not involve rapping or being on a roof. 

It’s got to happen some time.  Just the law of averages.

  6   6—TThe American Civil Liberties Union will come to the aid of street preachers as the 9th circuit—among other courts—declares street preaching to be a hate crime, making it illegal in most of America’s larger cities. When things are so messed up that you pray a Psalm 121 prayer and help comes from the Left, you know things are really messed up.





What is wrong with this man?

 7   Mark Driscoll will experience a very public fall from grace.  Though we can’t disclose the exact nature of the faux hawk pas, we can tell you that Freudians will have a field day with “what-did-we-tell-you”–type declarations.  Non-Freudians are shocked as well.  Quips the nouthetic Jay Adams, “I take back what I said about being competent to counsel. See you later.” 
  

A brief, redemptive epilogue follows.  Pastor Mark is then approached by the cable network Cinemax about

Ed Young to Hold Fashion Show on Church Roof

by Jude Phakiki Roosevelt

The Texas pastor known variously as a sex therapist, rap artist, deep-sea rescuer, aviation industry booster—almost anything but a preacher of the Gospel—has jumped head-long into his next venture: helping his fellow clergymen look sharp.





The same rooftop that gave us Sexperiment will
play host to Pastorista 2012, a fashion show for
preachers, April 7 in Grapevine, Texas. 

 “Pastors aren’t typically known for their fashion. Most people don’t think of the runway leading up to the pulpit. But why not?!” asks Pastor Ed Young, Jr. “Why can’t the men and women of God set the standard for the rest of the world in fashion as well as faith? That’s why we’re launching PastorFashion.com. We want to set the trends.” To promote awareness of his new web site, http://pastorfashion.com/,